I am going to be real here because I feel the need to speak out. So many women are afraid to talk about this, but I think it would benefit us all if we were more open about it.
After having a baby, most women experience 1-2 weeks of the “baby blues”. This was true for me. We came home from the hospital and those first few nights I felt lonely. I would cry for no reason. Josh would ask me over and over what was wrong, and I couldn’t explain it. It wasn’t that I was unhappy, or didn’t love my baby. I wasn’t even overwhelmed or scared at this point. I think your body just goes so wacko with all the hormones, so you feel a little “blue”. You just don’t feel like yourself, like something is a little off. And something IS off – your hormones are. Some women may not experience this at all, but most that I have talked to did feel blue or really emotional to some degree, and it usually subsides on its own. Mine did not.
On day 5, the colicky crying started. I had a baby that cried and cried and I felt so helpless. I wanted to make it right. I felt like a bad mom for not being able to help her. She was waking up every hour. At two weeks old, it was still going…then week 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. It never let up, so needless to say, my “blues” never let up and probably turned into mild PPD. Not all babies are like Emma, so experiencing all the health issues that we have has been hard and has definitely contributed to my condition and stress. Her sleeping improved a bit, but she was still in pain a lot of time. I wanted ANSWERS. I wasn’t going to settle for “all babies cry”, “all babies are fussy”. I get that. These comments only infuriated me more, and contributed to my feelings that I continued to internalize. I continued to feel stressed and sad and just not like myself. I felt so weak, and felt like I was the only mother in the world to go through this. People around me recognized that something was wrong; people who both know me well and don’t know me that well. A coworker, for example, asked if I was okay one day because she didn’t think I was acting like my normal self. I about burst into tears. Who had I become? Someone who doesn’t even know me recognized that something was wrong? I didn’t want to feel like this or act like this.
I am proud of myself for recognizing that I had a problem and needed a little help. I know its NORMAL, but it just helps to talk it out with a professional, or other women who have experienced something similar. I don’t have many close friends that have children. I can think of ONE, and she is probably reading this now. I am the first of my best friends from college to have a child, so it has been really lonely. But now that I have been through it, I am so glad that when they go through it, they will have me to lean on if they experience something similar.
People asked me, “Well what did you expect of motherhood? Did you really expect it to be easy?” No, I didn’t expect it to be easy; I am not an idiot. I knew it would be hard. I knew there would be long nights and no sleep. That part didn’t bother me, and the lack of sleep has never really affected me. There’s enough adrenaline to get you through that. What I didn’t expect was to have a baby with health issues. To have a baby that cried and cried. I didn’t expect to feel helpless or weak or alone. I expected a relatively happy baby. I expected a baby that would cry, but then would stop crying once I met their needs. I don’t think these expectations are unrealistic.
What have I learned from this journey so far? Once again, it’s normal. Women don’t talk about it. Women only share about the joys of motherhood, and their memories forget the sorrows (kinda like how women forget the pain of childbirth once they hold their baby for the first time). Moms that seem like they have it all together really DON’T have it all together. No one does. But you can fake it pretty good. Moms that say motherhood is joyful, exciting, fun, etc. 100% of the time are LYING. It’s okay to not feel that way 100% of the time. I am not the only mom in the world with a baby that has these health issues. I am not alone. I am not weak. I am strong, and I can do this.
Slowly but surely, things are looking up. I am learning to challenge negative self talk, and my world is starting to feel like rainbows and butterflies again. It’s been a rough 2 months, but I know in another 2 months, my world will be completely back to normal. Well, my “new” normal.
**Update on Emma’s Health** (I wanted to write this, so I could look back and not forget)
-Pulmonary Valve Stenosis, see pediatric cardiologist every two weeks and will have surgery when she is old as possible (6-9 months)
-Severe Milk Protein and Soy Intolerance, could have others?
-Blood & mucous in stool
-dilated left kidney, will do more testing
-Silent Acid Reflux, 1ml Zantac twice daily
-Referred to Pediatric GI, hopefully will find out why there is still blood in stool and correct this issue along with the painful acid reflux issue
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